im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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