I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so let's talk penis.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
