god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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