Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
