You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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