I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
