I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
