Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
