false alarm. still invincible.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize