capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
