I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
