I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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