this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
