I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The uberlube is also flammable
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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