He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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