he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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