your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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