i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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