My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
