I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
