Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
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I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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