Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
