the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
