i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
