if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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