i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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