i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
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