Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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