just come out here and I will go home with you...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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