I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
