i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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