its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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