I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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