i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
