I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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