Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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