I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
