I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
