I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
