The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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