I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
