I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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