The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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