I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
