I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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