My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
