He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
