I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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