this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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