I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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