I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
