New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
