Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
