I just pynch a tree in the face
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
