you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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