so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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