when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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